She was fast as greased lightening.
I bent over to pick up a pillow, she ZOOMED past, after burners glowing, taking half my Reuben with her. Lunging across the room, mouth full of corned beef and provolone, she gulped faster, looking possessed. Eyes rolling around, scarfing MY dinner, not one single thought of repentance crossed her mind.
Savage little schnauzer.
Later after calm returned to our home, me not yelling, “NOOOooo, you TOOK MY FOOD!!! we had a family meeting.
What you did was wrong Maggie, it could have burned you. You were not given permission to rip meat off my plate at the speed of light.
Well mama, it’s not like I steal your meals ALL the time, this was a golden opportunity you provided for me. And you did squeeze my butt again today. I deserved a treat.
Besides today I identify as Hunter Biden. Nothing can touch me.
I can’t possibly have stolen your Reuben. I was writing a book and preparing my art collection for my first installation and showing. The collection is titled simply “Blow, Idiot.” Anonymous buyers will bid on cat crap, an anal gland still life, and runaway snack thieves. We will be rich, rich I tell you.
Mama said I better drop the Hunter Biden nonsense pronto.
I think she’s serious.
(I would have enjoyed her meal much more if she would’ve chilled a little. Simma down pretty mama.)
You will find me on the downlow, not attracting one scintilla of attention. I’m not here. I don’t exist.
Relax mama.
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