I swear if it was on the opposite breast positioned just right, say between the fourth and fifth rib, we would have life and death problems. As it is, my sternum saves me from serious injury. Underwire wiggles out at the most inopportune times. And yet I continue to gently nudge wire back in place, thinking to myself I really need to pull out my needle and thread, fix this sucker.
I ask my dear friend, the trained killer, if he wants to see a lethal weapon. The look he gives me. Not much phases him, not much at all. Reaching in my beautiful shirt, I whip out my lovely 007 weapon - errant underwire. His expression never changes. He’s still looking at me like I’m a moron. “You need to spend a little more for your lingerie.” Wait a minute tough guy. I spent plenty for this worthless piece of weaponry.
Yesterday, I took the time to send a nice email to the company. The very company who makes what happens to be one of my favorite pieces of malfunctioning lingerie. Their actual response, except
for the 
emoji:
"So sorry to hear of the underwire issues. Because our bras have no bands or closures, there is more pressure on the underwire areas when taking off the bra and putting it on and occasionally we
do see some underwire pops from a few customers. () For
those customers who have had this happen frequently (I DON’T HAVE THIS HAPPEN FREQUENTLY), we recommend they reinforce the ends of the underwire casing with a bit of grosgrain ribbon which will
add an extra layer of protection. You can also add this ribbon to your old bras. Also please make sure you are hand washing these bras as machine washing will damage the components."
Are you kidding me?
My “components” could be damaged if this continues.
Is a fifth grader supervising customer service? No offense to fifth graders.
I’ve gotcher “pop” sister.
So, if one purchases from company XYZ, one also needs to find and purchase grosgrain ribbon, as there are definite quality control issues. Who wants grosgrain ribbon on satin and silk, nut job?
In the meantime, don’t you think I would be the perfect undercover mother? I’m all about whipping out lethal underwire, coercing top secret information from enemies of the state. We could use a little excitement, don’t ya think?
The friend, he tolerates me, tells me someone has to. I’m slightly offended.
Go away friend.
Leave me alone.
Take the underwire with you.
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